Questions from Women

Tira,
You may be bisexual, but still be primarily attracted to women. Some women who identify as lesbians are in practice actually bisexual, and still get together with men for the occasional casual fuck. Most lesbians who do this keep it on the down-low, so it’s kind of a dirty secret in the gay community. And it can be a problem, because, like you, they often do have unprotected hetero sex. It’s like they’re in denial about being with a man and feel like it doesn’t “count” because they’re really lesbians. You might be more attracted to women emotionally and physically, but have an itch now and then that only a cock can scratch, so maybe you just need to acknowledge that (but use rubbers next time). Did you ever have any of your female partners use a dildo or strap-on with you? That also might satisfy your desire for penetration.

I think you are correct in thinking of yourself as transsexual. You are experiencing gender dysphoria, which is the feeling that the body you were born into is the wrong sex. If you haven’t already, go online and do a Google search for “FTM” (Female-to-Male) transsexuals, get some info, and find out what your options are. Before you can really figure out your sexuality, you need to start dealing with your gender identity issues, at the minimum with counseling, and perhaps even by getting a sex change -- taking hormones or getting surgery. When you feel more comfortable with your body and have a clearer idea of who you are, it will be easier for you to figure out who you are attracted to. In the meantime, since you think of yourself as a man, try to figure out what your sexuality as a male would be. At this point, probably bisexual.

I've been straight all my life. I just got out of a relationship with a really hot guy. I'm going to my homecoming with an equally hot guy. But the other night I had a dream in which I was at the movies with one of my best female friends. It seemed normal at first -- but then we began kissing. And I kinda liked it. I think what really got me thinking about it was my best friend coming out and telling me she had a crush on me. And now I'm just so confused. Am I gay or what?
Carolyn, Alabama

Carolyn,
I'm confused too. When your best friend told you she had a crush on you, was that part of the dream, or was that real life? It doesn't matter. Judging from your dream, it sounds like you are discovering that you can be attracted to women. This could mean that you're bisexual. The fact that your best friend happens to be a lesbian and has feelings for you doesn't make you gay by association. Consider how you feel about her, or about other girls you know. If you feel an interest in being physical with members of the same sex, it could mean you are gay or bi. Compare these feelings to the attraction you have for men. You talk about "hot guys," but do you mean they're just hot in an objective sense, like anyone would find them hot -- or are you really into them and attracted to them. It might turn out that the guys are just arm candy for you, and your real turn-on is other women.

One time I made out with a girl while drunk to make a few bucks to get us home from a party. It wasn't all bad. We even did it just to tease the boys. But that was the end of it. I've noticed that from time to time I think about it and am curious to try it again. By the way, the girl I made out with is bisexual. I sometimes think about being with another woman and my boyfriend (for both of our enjoyment), but I'm very, very scared to try it. The thought of being with another woman for a one time fling seems OK, but I wouldn't ever want to make a habit of it. Am I lesbian, bi, or just curious?
Kassy, Canada

Kassy,
Since your only bi experience was under questionable circumstances, I don't think it really counts. It doesn't really count if you're drunk, if you're doing it for money (i.e., gay for pay), and it doesn't really count when girls make out or flirt with each other just to frustrate boys. If you found that it was amazing and really turned you on, that would be another story, but saying it "wasn't all bad" sounds like kind of a lukewarm response. Also, fooling around with another girl for you boyfriend's benefit doesn't really count. You seem very ambivalent about getting together with another woman (very scared, only want a one-time fling, etc.), but on the other hand, your resistance could indicate that on some level it excites you. It seems like you're just curious. If you get the nerve to try making out with a girl again, when you're not drunk, trying to get a ride, or taunting the opposite sex, and see how you feel.

I haven't had many sexual encounters except making out, and I've been eaten out by a dude. I've made out with both guys and girls, but only girls when I'm drunk or high. A lot of lesbians are attracted to me, but so are guys. I fantasize about both sexes. I used to be a homophobe until recently when one of my close friends came out. I'm so confused and just wish I knew. I think people are usually gay by choice, but I just can't seem to decide. What should I do?
Lizzy, Vermont

Lizzy,
First off, people don't decide to be gay. They just are that way. I'm not going to lecture you on it, just take my word for it. Or ask a gay person. Very few (if any) will tell you it was a "choice." There might be some people who are bisexual and are strongly attracted to both men and women, and at some point they might decide that they want to be in a straight relationship or a "gay" relationship, but that's not choosing to be gay if they're still attracted to the opposite sex. If you are attracted to both men and women, the good news is that you don't have to choose! Why limit yourself? You can be bi and have both. Most straight guys will not care if you also like to make out with girls sometimes. In fact, they will probably consider it a bonus. Some lesbians are a little picky about dating or sleeping with straight or bi girls, but I'm sure you can find enough bi women or open-minded lesbians to keep you busy if you're interested.

I often fantasize of having sex with women. In fact, that's all I really dream about. But when I dream, I am usually a girl with...masculine parts. What does that signify? I have a boyfriend but really take no interest in him.
Kara, Minnesota

Kara,
I don't mean to freak you out, but if you fantasize about having a penis and having sex with women, there's a chance you might be transgendered or transsexual. Do you think of yourself as being masculine in other ways? Do you ever feel like you were born in the wrong body, and that you really should have been a man? If you have those kinds of feelings, your issue may be gender identity, rather than sexual orientation. In other words, you really think of yourself as being a straight guy. If you find this is the case, you have various options, from living as a lesbian who identifies more or less as a man to actually getting a full-on sex change and hormone treatment. On the other hand, if you don't feel that way, you may just be a lesbian, but you like the idea of having a penis. There's nothing unusual about that -- that's what strap-on dildos are for. If you think about it, your feelings will probably become clearer over time.

I am a woman. I don't consider myself a lesbian, but I would love to clit grind on another woman's pussy. Is this normal?
Gina, U.S. 

Gina,
No, that is not normal -- unless you're a big lesbo! Seriously, if you want to bump pussies with another woman, that's a pretty strong indication that you might be lesbian or bisexual. That thought really wouldn't occur to most straight women. A straight girl might vaguely wonder what it would be like to kiss a girlfriend or feel her breasts or something tame like that. But your fantasy is very explicit, specific, and hardcore nasty, indicating a level of sexual interest that surpasses hetero norms of curiosity. That said, it's good to know what you want, and given the opportunity, I bet you would want to do a lot more than just grind groins. But tribadism (a.k.a. bumping fur, scissorfighting, or slamming clams) is a great place to start exploring.

I work with this girl. She's about 10 years younger than me and lately I am feeling awkwardly attracted to her to the point that I am actually getting off to masturbating and fantasizing about her. I am married to a great guy and I don't want to hurt him, but I have to get advice on this. I am an artist and always find myself drawing female nudes. I'm so confused.
Cindy, Texas

Cindy,
You're probably bisexual and just discovering that you have the capacity to be attracted to other females. See if you feel attracted to other women besides this girl at work. In the meantime, you should treat the situation with your coworker the way you would treat any other crush on a coworker -- the best thing to do is nothing, if you don't want to mess up your marriage and your work environment. Fantasies are fine as long as they don't interfere with your real-life relationships. In this case, your husband might be turned on, rather than hurt, if you shared this particular fantasy with him. Most straight men get off on the idea of two women together. Some husbands are tolerant of their wives' occasional bisexual encounters. He may even be interested in a threesome with you and another woman (not your coworker, though). On the other hand, if you feel like you want to leave him for a woman, you may actually be gay, or just unhappy in your marriage.

As for the fact that you're an artist and you draw female nudes, that doesn't seem significant in itself. That's what all artists do, right?

Am I a lesbian or what? I have this fantasy where I'm with a guy and a girl, and the girl is eating me. Does that make me bi? I've kissed girlfriends on the lips. But then again, I love to give blowjobs. I mean, they are the best. What do you think? I love men, but my fantasy involves a woman and I've had some encounters.
Tracey, Canada

Tracey,
You're definitely bi, plain and simple. You like guys, you love cocks, but you also enjoy experiences with women. If you want to fulfill your fantasy, check the personal ads - there are plenty of straight couples looking for a woman to join them.

Hope,
Liking the taste of your own juices doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a lesbian. You may enjoy the taste just because you’re curious about your own body, and it makes you feel sexy and reminds you of being turned on and having sex. A lot of straight men enjoy tasting their own cum too, for similar reasons, and it doesn’t make them gay. Better signs that you’re a lesbian (or maybe bi): you think girls are hot, you fantasize about them a lot, and you want to get naked and nasty with them. If you want to taste another woman’s juices, there’s a good chance you’re a lesbian.

I sometimes get horny over girls, and when I masturbate I think of lesbians and I come. Is this normal?
Cheri, U.S.

Cheri,
Sure, it’s normal – if you’re a lesbian! Or a bisexual woman. Or a straight man. You may just have some bisexual tendencies, which is very common. If you just enjoy occasionally checking out other chicks and fantasize about girl-on-girl while you get off, that may be enough to satisfy your bi side.

I have fantasies about having a threesome with my boyfriend and another girl. Does this mean I’m bisexual?
Tammy, Florida

Tammy,
Yes, if that’s your fantasy, that would probably qualify as bisexual. Although it kind of depends on what aspect of the threesome gets you off. If you’re into the idea of being sexual with another woman because you think women are hot and you would like how it feels, then you’re probably bi. But if you’re just into the idea of putting on a girl-on-girl show for the benefit of your boyfriend, you maybe are not so much bi as just you are straight but kind of kinky.

How can I tell if my man is gay?
Beth, Stamford

Beth,
Try asking his boyfriend. Seriously, unless he’s sleeping with other men or he tells you he’s gay, there’s no sure way to know. However, if has an unnatural attachment to his lacrosse team buddy, owns a pair of assless chaps, or you find a tube of Anal-Eze and a Leather Man magazine in his drawer, that could be a pretty sure sign he’s playing for the other team.

I had a sleepover once with my friend and we slept in the same bed. Neither one of us had had sex with a guy yet, so my friend said we should practice on each other for when we had boyfriends. She ended up doing a lot of things to me, including oral sex. I still haven’t had a boyfriend. Am I a lesbian?
Sarah

Sarah,
I don’t know if you’re a lesbian, but it sounds like you got seduced by one. You don’t say whether you enjoyed the encounter. Just having sex with a man or woman doesn’t automatically make you gay or straight. Lots of gay guys had sex with girls in high school or college but still went on to be big homos. One gay encounter will not determine you sexual preference. That’s something you have to figure out yourself. Date some guys, date some girls, see who turns you on – then you’ll have an answer.

Some of my friends like to flirt with each other and pretend to kiss and hold hands and say they’re lesbians. They’re not really (I don’t think), but I wonder if maybe I am. When they flirt with me I just blush and get embarrassed, but also kind of turned on. Am I gay?
Jennifer, Massachusetts

Jennifer,
Based on your response to your friends’ flirtations, it sounds like you have some actual sexual interest in other girls. Otherwise, you wouldn’t blush, you’d just laugh and joke along. You are probably lesbian or bisexual. So the next time one of your friends starts flirting, don’t be shy, just try to enjoy it. See if maybe you can actually get a kiss or cop a feel, under the pretense of joking around. They may be kidding, but they don’t have to know that you’re not. .