Questions from Men

I once checked out some gay porn, and now when I masturbate, I come way harder when I think of gay porn. Yet I have no physical attraction/desire to be with a man. I am happily married and very much enjoy the sex with my wife. Am I gay?
Jacob, U.S.

Jacob,
No, you're not gay. You might be bi if you gave it a chance, but if you're not really interested or curious, and you're satisfied with your sex life with your spouse, there's no real reason to experiment and find out. Of course, if you keep jacking off to thoughts of gay sex, you probably are going to get curious about what it's like at some point. You may or may not like it in real life, so don't do anything that's going to jeopardize your marriage. If you and your wife have the sort of relationship where you talk about these things, tell her about your fantasies and maybe you can watch some gay porn together.

I like sticking large objects in my rectum but have never had a boyfriend. I find men attractive, but have never dated one. I don't have a girlfriend either. Am I gay?
Josh

Josh,
Yes, you're gay. Find yourself a boyfriend to help you insert those large objects. You'll have more fun.

I am 35-year-old male and having no trouble meeting women and having sex with them, which I enjoy very much. I have fantasies about other men giving me anal sex. I don't ever think I could go through with having sex with another man, though, because men actually turn me off. I just like anal sex to the point that I use a dildo on myself. What does this mean?
Jim, Texas

Jim,
It means you like getting fucked in the ass, but that in itself doesn't say a whole lot. Plenty of men who are not gay enjoy taking it up the butt. Some use dildos on themselves and some have their lady friends peg them with strap-ons. A lot of them never have sex with men. So if you can find a woman willing to strap it on and go to town on your ass, you can have all the anal sex you want without having to get near another guy. The fact that you fantasize about sex with men indicates you probably have some bisexual tendencies, but if you're not really attracted to guys, maybe those tendencies aren't very strong. On the other hand, maybe you just haven't met the right guy.

I have a girlfriend and enjoy having sex with her. Recently, however, I have been having fantasies about my boss a lot. This is my first "real" job and he has been really nice to me and has helped me out greatly with my career. The only other guy I have ever really fantasized about is a cop that was nice to me after I wrecked my car. Am I gay?
Mark, U.S.

Mark,
The only men you’ve ever fantasized about are males in positions of power who have taken you under their wing. It sounds like you have issues with father figures and male authority figures. You probably crave their approval and nurturance because of something missing during your own childhood. You may be experiencing what is called “transference” in psychological terminology. You’re projecting your emotional needs onto these men in power, and those feelings get translated into sexual fantasies. In reality, probably what you really want is not so much to bone them, but to have them take care of you and protect you. While some people might think that in itself sounds kind of “gay,” it really just reveals a universal emotional vulnerability. Before you make a pass at your boss and lose your first real job, get in touch with your inner child and try to figure this stuff out. Look at these more powerful men as fathers or older brothers, and develop healthy mentoring relationships with them. On the other hand, if you do decide you want to explore an attraction to males, there is an entire subculture in the gay community that revolves around adults role playing authoritarian relationships like Daddy/boy, coach/athlete, drill sergeant/private, etc. You would probably really be into that.

I am a 21-year-old male. I am sort of going out with a lesbian. She has sex with her girlfriend regularly, but does stuff with me too. I like hanging around with lesbians and know a few other gay people. I kissed three men in the past, but only got a little aroused by it. Am I gay for kissing men and hanging around with gay people? Or am I bi?
M., U.K.

M.,
Well, most straight men would be thrilled to be dating a lesbian. And you're not necessarily gay for hanging around gay people. But if you're comfortable in the gay scene, and you've kissed a few guys and gotten even "a little aroused," you're probably bi. Also, if your lesbian girlfriend is really butch (i.e., she looks like a guy), maybe you are gay.

I've always thought of myself as being straight, but I've never really had an attraction to girls. In fact, it may sound childish, but they disgust me in a sexual sense. But I feel the same way about guys. The sight of a penis has been known to make me throw up. But anime sex makes me really really horny, and it's all I've ever been able to masturbate to. I'm not sure what this might mean, but could it mean I'm gay?
Stephon

Stephon,
No, getting turned on exclusively by anime sex does not mean you're gay. It means you're not really mature sexually. You say yourself that your feelings about girls seem "childish." Now, I may be wrong, but I kind of get the impression that maybe you haven't spent a lot of time around real live, actual girls. I mean, really spent time with them and gotten to know them. If you get more experience with people, eventually you'll probably meet one you're attracted to. Or you could spend the rest of your life jerking off to Japanese cartoons.

I have a question. I like to go out and party. When I do, sometimes I end up dropping my pants. It doesn't matter if I'm at a football tailgate party, a bar, or a house party...I just enjoy showing my package. What I can't understand is that I get really excited when my guy friends look at my groin area. You know, it isn't like they stare, but even the slightest glance by a dude makes the hairs on my neck stand up. Am I just an exhibitionist or am I gay?

Anonymous,
You're a gay exhibitionist. Well, maybe not gay, but you're definitely an exhibitionist. Are you gay because you like attention from other men? It's very possible. Most straight male exhibitionists get off on exposing themselves to women. There may be other reasons that it excites you to have another guy check out your goods. Maybe it's just an ego thing. But it seems pretty sexual, so you are probably gay or bi. Especially since you have a cat.

I get turned on by girls, but there are also a few guys that I would consider "hot." Is this normal or a sign that I might be gay? I do not have a girlfriend, but I find this to be more because of the fact that I am a nerd as opposed to my homosexuality.
Anonymous, Iowa

It's not abnormal for a guy to recognize "hotness" in other guys from time to time. Even a totally straight guy might occasionally see a super-hot male and think, "I'd blow him." But just in passing, not as, like, an ongoing fantasy. There's a chance you might be bisexual, but as you pointed out, it's more likely that you're just a nerd. But don't give up -- there are plenty of girls (and guys) who find nerds sexy.

Lately I have been only interested in having anal sex with my girlfriend. No other position satisfies me. We have tried and I just can't get off in any other position than from behind, in her ass. I really like it when she reaches around and sticks a finger up my ass. I am too embarrassed to ask her if she would put her dildo in my ass, although I REALLY want it. Am I gay?
Mike, California

Mike,
No, I don't think you're gay. I think you've just developed an anal fixation. The anal sex with your girlfriend is probably more satisfying for two reasons: (a) doing it from behind (doggy style) is hot and you get to look at her ass, and (b) an ass feels different from a pussy. Your girlfriend's pooper is tighter than her vagina (at least, let's hope so), which gives your cock more stimulation. It just feels better to you, so you want to keep doing it, and the more you do it, the more you get habituated to it. Some guys get "addicted" to anal, to the point where they don't get off on vaginal sex anymore. But that doesn't mean they automatically start screwing guys in the ass, too. As far as sticking things up your own butt, well, a lot of straight men do that too, and have their girlfriends or wives fuck them with strap-ons. If you're doing it with a woman, it's not gay sex...unless you're totally fantasizing that she's a guy -- then that might be kind of gay.

I'm a joker with a lot of my friends and just generally mess around with them, in a joking way. If I walk up behind them and pretend to hump them is that gay or is that just joking around?
Mike, U.S.

Mike,
That depends on how much you enjoy it. Or how much they enjoy it. It sounds like it's just horseplay, just harmless joking around. It's a way of simultaneously bonding masculine friendships and breaking up any "gay" tension that might develop between the guys. Girls sometimes "pretend" to be lesbians in the same way. If you do it once in a while and you and your friends understand that it's just a joke, no problem. But if you do it too often, or if you seem to like it a little too much, somebody might read too much into it or you might start to get a reputation for being gay even if you're not.

Sometimes I mastubate with stimulation to my anus. Occasionally I have a fantasy that if there was a way that I could penetrate my own anus with my own cock, then that would be ecstasy. But thinking about having another guy do it turns me off immensely... Help?
Lawn, San Gabriel

Lawn,
I know it might seem like it, but wanting to fuck yourself in the ass is not gay. Not necessarily. And it actually is possible. There are websites that show you how (the procedure is a little too complicated to go into here). Many men have the same question about autofellatio (sucking your own dick). Again, that's not gay in itself -- it's just another form of masturbation. Self-sucking and self-fucking are things that both straight and gay men do (those who can, anyway). If you really don't want to be fucked by another guy and aren't interested in them otherwise, then you're not gay.

I am a male, 41 years old, and married for almost 20 years. I've had a steady boyfriend for the last 2 years. I sleep over with him regularly, have dinner with him a couple of times a week, and talk to him daily. My wife knows about him, and has allowed (thankfully) my relationship with him to continue. I still enjoy sex with my wife, but the thought of having sex with any other woman doesn't really do anything for me. I am very attracted to my boyfriend, and sometimes when I'm with my wife, I think about him. Typically, when I masturbate, I think about men, or him. I can pretty much tell that I'm not straight, but am I bi, gay, or what?
Jack, Northeast 

Jack,
You're probably gay. Married, but still gay. OK, technically you're living a bisexual, polyamorous lifestyle, but given that you're not really interested in women, and so much of your time, attention, and sexual energy is directed toward your boyfriend, it sounds like that's really where your main attraction is. However, you're probably still getting emotional support and companionship from your relationship with your wife. It's not uncommon, especially in more traditional or conservative areas, for gay men (and women) to marry a member of the opposite sex for companionship, or so they can raise a family. As long as your wife is OK with your boyfriend, and vice versa, enjoy the arrangement. It sounds like you have the best of both worlds. I'm kind of curious about what your wife might be doing with her spare time when you're off at your boyfriend's, but that's between you, your wife, and her girlfriend.

Shawn,
No, you are not gay. You were drunk and you took advantage of yourself in the shower. The alcohol lowered your inhibitions and allowed you to experiment with a new masturbation technique, which involved sticking your finger up your butt. Just because you got off on it, that doesn't make you gay. Many straight men enjoy anal stimulation to enhance orgasm, either as part of masturbation or during sex (straight sex, with women), especially if it involves pressure on the prostate gland. You're still straight, you've just expanded your horizons.

Earlier this year I went on a fishing trip with the guys and my father-in-law. One night we all got kind of drunk. My father-in-law suggested strip poker. Before we knew it, we were all nude. We went to bed and later my father-in-law crawled in the bed with me. I pretended I was passed out and he started to give me a hand job. After that, he slowly massaged my anus. Again, I pretended that I was passed out but I really, really enjoyed this. Am I gay?
Gordon, Minnesota 

Gordon,
If your wife's father is crawling into bed naked with you, giving you a hand job and fingering your ass, you've got bigger problems to worry about than whether or not you're gay. I can't imagine what your family dinners with the in-laws are like. This situation cannot possibly end well.

Joe,
First the good news. You’re not gay! (Not that there’s anything wrong with being gay, of course…) Gay guys do not date male-to-female transsexuals, chicks with dicks, she-males, or whatever you want to call them. Gay guys generally like other guys, not people who look like girls, but have some guy parts. So, what are you? You’re a guy who apparently likes sucking transsexual cock. We don’t really have a name for that. But it doesn’t matter. If you like her and you want to suck her cock again, then give her a call. Don’t worry about what that makes you.

If I'm not gay, is it normal to look at dicks? I still like girls.
CJ, California

CJ,
It’s not unusual for straight guys to check out other guys’ equipment just out of curiosity or to compare it to their own. If you get hard looking at other guys’ cocks, you may have some bisexual tendencies. You may never feel the need to act on them. Sneaking peeks at other dicks may be enough to satisfy your interests.

I read an article on self-sucking and tried it, but found it disgusting. I feel really stupid for trying it out. My question is, I'm almost positive I'm straight, but does it mean I'm gay for even trying it out? Do straight guys do this?
Joel, U.S

Joel,
Sucking your own dick does not make you gay. It’s just another way to masturbate. Plenty of straight men suck themselves off. So do some gay men. It’s not a gay or straight thing.

I really, really enjoy going down on my girlfriend...almost too much (if there is such a thing...that’s something you'll have to ask her). I would much rather go down on her than get anything in return. My guy friends say this isn’t normal (even my girlfriend says it, although it’s not a complaint). Is it normal, or was I a lesbian in a past life?
Guy, UWG

Guy,
I don’t think you have a problem. In fact, you should be an inspiration and role model for pussy eaters everywhere – both straight males and gay women. But your question brings up an interesting point: Is there such a thing as a lesbian man? Surely there are some guys who will claim to be a “lesbian man” just to pick up women. They want girls to think they are sensitive and understand a woman’s needs, but they don’t really walk the walk. On the other hand, there are some men who like to listen to Ani DiFranco or Melissa Etheridge, who hang around pro-choice rallies, and only date women with crew cuts. They may have good feminist intentions, but these guys most likely just have a lesbian fetish. There is a much smaller number of men who are actually transgendered – they identify as female and feel like women trapped in men’s bodies – and they are attracted to women. So technically they could be considered lesbians, lesbians inhabiting the bodies of straight men. Probably you just really, really enjoy eating pussy, more than the average guy. If you’re happy and your girlfriend is happy, don’t worry about it.

I want to experience being blown by a gay man. Does this mean I'm gay? I just want to experience the feeling, and see the difference from being blown by a woman.
Walter, Philippines

Walter,
Actually, a lot of gay guys can give better blowjobs than women. Why? Because they enjoy doing it, and because they know what feels good to another guy. So, if you do carry out this experiment, don’t be surprised if you actually enjoy the guy’s BJ more. If you do, does that make you gay? No, not necessarily. Sexual preference depends on more that the technical merits of a blowjob. If you’re turned on by women and you want to have sex with them, even the most expert BJ from a guy will not make you gay.

How can I tell if my man is gay?
Beth, Stamford

Beth,
Try asking his boyfriend. Seriously, unless he’s sleeping with other men or he tells you he’s gay, there’s no sure way to know. However, if has an unnatural attachment to his lacrosse team buddy, owns a pair of assless chaps, or you find a tube of Anal-Eze and a Leather Man magazine in his drawer, that could be a pretty sure sign he’s playing for the other team.

I am a 22-year-old male. I have slept with many girls the past few years, but sometimes I fantasize about sex with other males. I have never done it and I am pretty sure I am not gay. Is this normal?
Richard, South Africa

Richard,
If you fantasize about sex with guys, you may have some bisexual tendencies although you’re still basically straight. This is normal. Many “straight” men have such fantasies occasionally, but they usually won’t admit it or act on it. If you’re really curious, then try it. Trying it won’t make you any more gay or bi than you already are.

This question might sound strange, but I am sure you have had similar questions. I am a straight male who has never been with a guy before, but I have a friend I have known for a long time, and there is nothing I wouldn't do for him. I love him so much, and I want to get even closer to him. He is straight as well. I want to give him oral sex. He sort of know I want to do this, and I am sure he would let me, but my question is, Is there a chance he would turn out gay if he let me do that for him? My thoughts are not perverted, and I look out for him. How about if I asked him to perform anal sex on me? Not me on him, because he would think for sure that was gay. If you have one gay encounter with your best friend, does that make you gay?
Derek, U.S.

Derek,
Dude, you’re gay. I don’t know about your friend. So, if you gave him a blowjob or had him fuck you in the ass, would that turn him gay? No. He’s either gay or bi or he’s not. Having sex with a man will not turn you gay, any more than if a gay guy had sex with a woman, it would turn him “straight.” On the other hand, if you have a serious emotional attachment to your best friend and fantasize about him in detail – you’re definitely gay.

Is it normal for men to try gay sex?
Jeff, Portland

Jeff,
It’s not uncommon for men to fool around with another guy at some point in their life. Sex studies show that between 15% and 37% of men report having at least one same-sex experience. This could be anything from a mutual jack off session to a blowjob. It’s hard to estimate the numbers accurately, because some guys who try it don’t want to own up to it. Gay experimentation for men usually happens in the teens or early 20s, and there is often alcohol involved. Some men may try it once and never think about it again, and don’t consider themselves “gay” because they did something sexual once with a guy.

Every time I'm having sex my erection goes down. Why is this? Is it that my girlfriend is no good, that I'm gay, or that I just don't enjoy sex?
Steve, Cambridge

Steve,
It’s hard to say why you’re losing your erection during sex. But it probably is not because you’re gay. It may be because you’re not that into your girlfriend, or maybe sex is stressful for you in some way. You might be having performance anxiety, meaning that you somehow fear failure while fucking, and that’s making you go soft. If you’re able to keep your erection while you masturbate, then it’s not a physical problem, it’s something psychological. Talking to a therapist about how you feel about sex may help you figure it out. If you don’t want to talk to a therapist, you could always just take Viagra to keep yourself hard, but that’s just treating the symptom. It’s better to get to the root of the problem to solve it.

I fooled around with some guys a while back. I have a girlfriend. Am I gay?
Chris, IUP

Chris,
If you’re in a relationship with a woman, and you enjoy having sex with her, then it’s very unlikely that you are gay, regardless of whatever you did with guys in the past. You may be bisexual. On the other hand, if you’re not really into your girlfriend, you’re not really into sex with women, and you find yourself dwelling on memories of your circle jerks or buddy blowjobs or whatever you did with those guys, then, yes, you very well might be gay.

I’m a 21 year old guy who only once fucked a girl. The thing is that I was kind of drunk so I didn't really enjoy it. But now I don't know if I like girls, because when I see good-looking guys I get kind of turned on, unlike when I see girls. So the question is, am I gay, because I don't want to be. I need some serious help.
Dan, New York

Dan,
If men get you hot and women don’t…sorry, fella, but that’s sounding pretty gay to me. Being gay isn’t a choice – you just are, or you’re not (or you’re bi). If you are gay, the sooner you accept it and get used to it, the happier you’ll be. I know, being gay is tough – there’s discrimination, social stigma, anti-gay violence, and stereotypes to deal with. But there are also lots of hot guys you could be having sex with. So ask yourself this: Would you rather be having hot sex with hot guys and putting up with the occasional homophobic assholes, or would you rather be having bad, drunken sex with girls and trying to maintain the illusion that you’re straight, lying to yourself and everyone around you? If you are gay, you can learn to accept it, and so can your friends and family. Talk to a therapist and try to get it sorted out.

Last night I gave my friend a hand job for not even five minutes. Am I gay?
Brad, NYU

Brad,
Relax. Touching a dick for five minutes will not turn you gay. One hand job will not turn you gay. Do you still like girls? Then you’re not gay. You still like girls, but you enjoyed touching a dick and would do it again? Then maybe you’re bi. You never really liked girls and you’re secretly hoping your friend asks for a blowjob next time? OK, you’re probably gay.

I have a girlfriend, I've always been attracted to girls, and I'm not really attracted to guys. I can recognize when a guy is hot, but it's not that big a deal to me. However, I fantasize about sex with another man a lot, and if the opportunity came up, I probably would have sex with a guy. How can I tell if I'm full bisexual, or just have bisexual tendencies?
Alan, California (8/26/05)

Alan,
As long as your bisexual fantasies remain fantasies, there's no real way to know what your true interest level is in other men. If you're not putting any energy into seeking out a gay encounter, it seems like you're not really that interested, despite your recurring thoughts about sex with another male. On the other hand, if you find yourself pursuing an encounter, cruising other men, or looking for potential gay hookups online, then those are signs you have more than tendencies. The only way to find out for sure may be to take the plunge and try having sex with a man, or at least try fooling around a bit - a blowjob or a hand job. Maybe you'll like it enough to want to do it again, or maybe you'll just be like, "Eh, whatever." Or you may not like it at all. Either way, you'll have your answer.

I have had a girlfriend or two, but not anymore. Sometimes I  fantasize about guys, though. I once gave a blowjob to my best friend at a party. He was drunk but I wasn't. I still find girls hot though, just  sometimes I'm not as much into them. Am I gay?
Albert, Georgia (8/26/05)

Albert,
Yes, you may be gay. Giving your buddy a blowjob while you were sober is a good indication that you are at least bisexual. If you still find girls hot, you may not be totally gay, although you seem to be leaning strongly in that direction. It might be that you are gay and are in the process of figuring out that you really prefer men to women. If your interest in women keeps decreasing while your interest in men increases, chances are you are gay.

I'm 17. One of my friends offered me a blowjob; it turns out he's bisexual. I sort of got a hard on, maybe just at the thought of the actual blowjob (?), then felt queasy and vehemently denied his offer, and afterward I distanced myself from him, and it's always been a bit awkward around him. He's still my friend though, I guess.

The conclusion seems obvious: I have some bi tendencies - but what's your take on it?
Jerry, U.S. (8/26/05)

Jerry,
Actually, it doesn't even seem like you have very serious bisexual tendencies. You sound pretty straight, and your taste for lesbian porn confirms that; most straight men love lesbian porn.

On the other hand, sometimes when we deeply want something but feel conflicted about it, we reject it to cover up our inconvenient feelings. Having a strong negative reaction to gay sex or the offer of it can mean that it's something that you actually desire, but you'll have to examine your own feelings to determine that. Is that feeling of disgust genuine, or is it covering up the fact that you really find gay sex interesting and it's something that you might want to try, but you won't let yourself because of what other people might think, or because of negative attitudes you've adopted? Are you in fact disgusted by homosexual sex, or are you disgusted with yourself because it turns you on or you might want it? If you continue to feel a conflict about homosexuality, or find that it both fascinates and repels you, this is something you should take a closer look at, and see if you aren't covering up your true feelings.