Brokeback Buddies?

new! June 12, 2006

Is your 'best friend' ready to be a Brokeback Buddy? We get that question a lot, so here we'll try to gauge the Brokeback potential:

I have never been into having sex with men. I am a man and I have recently met this guy online. At first we were just friends, but the connection between us got so strong that now it is genuine love. I can't say romantic love, but there is a very strong connection. We can talk about anything. I find myself thinking about him and wanting to talk to him all the time. He wants to meet and have sex. I am not into having sex with men, and if it were any other man I wouldn't even consider it, but because of my fondness of him as a person, I find myself tempted to do it just so he won't feel rejected and turn away. Am I gay?
Anthony, New York

Anthony,
Whatever you want to call it, you’re having romantic feelings for another male. This is kind of gay. It’s not gay in the classic sense of being sexually attracted to males as a whole. But it’s strong enough emotional attachment that it’s making you question your sexual orientation. When you have strong emotions for someone, it’s often natural to want to express those feelings sexually. If that’s what you want to do, then go for it. Maybe you really want to have sex with your friend and you’re rationalizing that you’d only do it “so he won’t feel rejected.” But that’s a lousy reason to have sex with someone. Be honest with him and with yourself, and don’t pretend you’re just giving him a pity-fuck if you really want it too. On the other hand, if you do want to keep your relationship platonic, I suggest you take the emotional intensity down a notch, because the sex issue will keep coming up otherwise.

When my girlfriend goes down on me I picture my best friend who is a guy and I get more turned on by it. Does this make me gay or just curious about the same sex?
Anonymous, Illinois

You are probably bi, possibly gay. If you want your best friend to blow you, you are not totally straight. If you get more turned on by the idea of a guy sucking you off than having a real flesh-and-blood woman on your dick, you are probably not straight. Of course, it’s not uncommon to have your mind wander some during sex, and have fantasies. But most straight guys would be picturing her best friend blowing them, not their best friend. Are you curious about the same sex? Definitely.

One time when me and my friend were drunk I gave him a hand job and he did the same for me. Other times when we drink we may masturbate together (not each other), but I wouldn’t consider ever doing this when I’m sober and I definitely like girls a lot. When I watch porn I watch mostly lesbians but I occasionally watch gay porn...would you consider that bi tendencies?
Brian, U.S.

Yes, you seem to have some bisexual tendencies, but I’m basing that more on your taste for gay porn than your drunken jack-off sessions with your buddy. Those I would categorize as indicating alcoholic tendencies. Actually neither one is a strong indicator of anything other than possible curiosity. A lot of straight guys watch gay porn once in a while, or trade the occasional drunken hand job. If you don’t think about guys or seek out sexual contact with them, you probably are straight but somewhat flexible.

Usually I go for chicks and I love the pussy. But sometimes I find myself getting bored/fed up with girls. I have never fucked a dude before. I’m too scared to even get a blowjob off a guy. I have a male friend who I seem to have some kind of an attraction to, but I’m not sure. I think he's just a good friend. Sometimes I kiss guys too, but I’m not sure if guys turn me on or not. Some girls can really turn me on. Am I bi or something?
David, Australia

David,
Yes, it sounds like you may be bisexual. If you think you are attracted to your male friend, then you probably are attracted to him. And if you’re kissing guys…well, what are you doing kissing guys if you’re not bisexual? Is that what the cool kids are doing these days? Since you like girls, it seems like you’re primarily straight, and most guys get fed up with women from time to time, so that doesn’t mean anything. But you seem bi-curious and could probably hook up with a guy if the circumstances were right.

I'm a teenage kid, and I've had maybe 6 girlfriends or so. When I see a gorgeous girl I get hard, start fantasizing about sex, and I'm very, very attracted to the girl I'm with. I think I love her. When we're making out and stuff my dick gets hard as steel, and I want to do her real bad. But the thing is, a couple years ago I sort of... felt weird for this guy. I can vaguely tell when guys are attractive or not (I don't think this is weird, I mean, anyone can tell when a guy or girl is good-looking or ugly right?). But, with this guy, I'd get really nervous around him when he talked to me, and I'd try not to look at him. It was exactly the same as when I had a crush on a girl, it was so weird. I've never had something like that since. Am I gay?
Mark, New York

Mark,
No, you’re not gay. You had a crush on a guy. How gay it was kind of depends on the nature of the crush. Like was it a heterosexual-type man crush, where you really just idolized the guy and admired and looked up to him and wanted to be him? Or was it more like the kind of crush you get on a girl, where you just feel all funny inside? Anyway, I don’t think it really matters, since it seems like an isolated incident. I don’t think a single same-sex crush makes you gay any more than a one-time same-sex experiment. I suppose there’s some possibility you’re bi, but if that were the case it would probably be a pattern or something that keeps coming up in your mind.

When I was younger, me and a friend of mine used to watch porn and masturbate together. He stayed over one night and we ended up sucking each other off. I think about that when I masturbate sometimes, but I have no other attraction towards men besides him. Since we have gotten older, he seems to be sort of on the gay side, even though I can't prove it. We have never talked about it since that night, but I still talk to him every once in awhile and think about it. I enjoy sex with women very much, and want to know if I am bi. Am I?
Joe, Kentucky

Joe,
Yeah, you probably are bi, since you’re still so curious about it and you have such fond memories of your experiences with this guy. If you had the opportunity to do it again with someone else, or with him, in a situation that was totally safe, wouldn’t you do it? I’m not saying you will, but I bet you probably want to. Of course, it’s hard to recapture that innocence once you get older, so trying to recreate the experience might be a disappointment. So you may only be bi in theory.

I enjoy playing with my anus and fingering myself, and I also have stuck things in my anus before and masturbated like that, and I really like it. I love girls and have been sexually active with one before. Also me and a friend have had mutual jack-off sessions, but didn't look at each other. I really don’t think I'm gay, or bi, but what do you think?
Anonymous, U.S.

Enjoying anal stimulation doesn’t make you gay or bisexual. Having jack-off sessions with your friend might mean you’re bi, but it depends. Some “straight” guys get occasional gratification from a friend and don’t consider themselves anything but straight. Did you enjoy it – enough that you would do it even if you weren’t desperately hard up? If you don’t have any attraction to guys and you were just getting off, it’s probably not significant.

I’m a 23-year-old guy who’s had one serious girlfriend and has fallen I think for one other girl, kind of. At the same time, though, I’m extremely close to and love my best friend who is a gay male. I know he would like something to happen and he has tried it with me. However, I’ve always been a bit freaked out and never done anything. My only man-on-man experience is being blown off by someone else twice. Am I gay? Should I be with my best mate?
Neil, England

Neil,
You might be gay or bisexual. If you’re having curiosity about sex with men, and you feel like your relationship with your best friend is romantic, it’s possible you are gay. You probably need to have more sexual experiences to really know for sure. As far as your best friend is concerned, who knows if you should couple up? That’s between the two of you, if you are romantically and sexually compatible. However, if you do become romantically or sexually involved, realize that you may have to sacrifice your friendship if things go south. You might try having sex, and it may be really weird, and your friendship may or may not recover. That’s always a risk when taking a friendship to the next level, whether the person is male or female. If you value the friendship more and don’t want to risk it, experiment with someone else.

Every time my best friend, who is a guy, sleeps over during the summer, we sleep in the basement. He always moons me and then when he's sleeping, I get naked and hump him in his boxers. I still love women and have a crush on one at my college. I don’t have a crush on any guys. Am I gay?
Tyler, Rhode Island

Tyler,
I don’t think you’re gay. It sounds like you and your friend are just “horsing around.” Yeah, it’s kind of weird that you’re getting naked and humping him, but if the two of you aren’t getting boners and it doesn’t lead to anything more serious, I think it is just acting out your youthful energy and aggression in a playful manner, and it’s something you will grow out of. You need to get a girlfriend.

All my life I've been in relationships with women and had sex with them, and I enjoy it very much. But I have a friend, a guy friend, and I don’t know how or why, but every time I see him, that’s it, I get a hard on. Only him, though. I can't even think about any other men in a sexual way. I actually find it repulsing. But yes, when it comes to him, I would like to have sex with him. Am I gay or something? And what should I do, because I notice he's coming on to me lately.
Anonymous, U.S.

You’re bisexual. You’re just very selectively bisexual. What should you do? Probably you should have sex with him. Because if you don’t, you’re just going to wonder for the rest of your life what it would have been like. If you’re concerned that having sex with him will turn you “all gay,” it’s extremely unlikely that will happen, since your sexual history with women and your enjoyment of them is well-established. You probably won’t end up marrying this guy if you go to bed with him. On the other hand, if you enjoy it, be prepared that it could open up the possibility of other bisexual encounters.

I had an experience with a friend one time while we were sleeping in the same bed. He touched my penis and stroked it and I responded by cozying up to him and just feeling his erect penis in the crease of my butt for a while. Then I started to feel sick about it. I tried to talk to him about it because I was feeling disgusted, but he pretended it didn't happen. It happened again, but this time I didn't respond and got even sicker, and started to get physically ill. Some time passed and something happened again. This time we jerked each other off and I even rode on him without any penetration, and again afterwards I was sick. The last time he kissed me I felt like I would throw up. From then on I started to talk to him less and we drew apart. One night I was working at this club and when I got there I found out there was a gay party. It sickened me to see all those guys so close and touching each other. My friend was there and he said he wasn't gay and didn't know and came with his cousin. Twice after that he called later and I started to indulge in phone sex, not physically responding but just talking to him. Once or twice I have thought of him when I masturbated. I have a girlfriend, but we have never had sex either, but I get real turned on by her. I did go on a trip with another friend and was somewhat afraid to sleep on the same bed with him. In fact now I am very suspicious about sleeping in a bed with any guy. What does this mean? I was in the cadets for 9 years and never thought of any of the guys that way. In fact on two occasions, with two different sergeants, they passed during an exercise and brushed against me and I felt their penises but it didn't turn me on. And even now with this new friend, at times I think about how big his penis is, but not to have sex with him. I have watched gay porn on the internet and at times I was turned on but at others it made me sick. What does this mean?
Anonymous

You’re probably not gay, but you’re feeling a little insecure and confused about your sexuality because of these experiences. Experimenting with other guys can be normal and doing it a few times doesn’t mean that you’re gay. You might be bisexual but conflicted about it, because it sounds like you kind of enjoy messing around with your friend at first, but then when you start thinking about what you’re doing, it grosses you out, perhaps because you feel guilty or like it’s wrong. Your friend, on the other hand, definitely is gay, and will probably continue to pursue you if you don’t drop him or tell him directly to back off. It sounds like he is being pushy and maybe taking advantage of you, and that may also be making you feel sick as much as your feelings about homosexuality and homosexual acts. Figure out how you want to handle the situation and stop sending him mixed messages. Curiosity about the size of other men’s dicks and curiosity about gay porn aren’t signs that you are gay; being attracted to men and wanting to have sex with them means you are gay.

I'm an 18-year-old guy who is in love with his best friend (a boy). I told him this, but when I told him the truth he freaked out. It's been over a year since that happened and now he is acting like he never heard me (even though I tried hard to show him that I am not in love with him. I even started dating with a fat ugly girl just to go on being his best friend). I think that he is drawn to me but he considers that ridiculous. I love him so much that I think I’m going to commit suicide if I see him with a girl. He intends to start dating someone as we speak. Please tell me what should I do?
James, Australia

James,
OK, there’s no doubt that you’re gay. So maybe you’re wondering if there’s any hope that your best friend will turn out to be gay. Probably not. On the other hand, most straight guys probably would not continue hanging out with another guy who confessed being in love with them. So maybe there is something going on with him. In any case, he wants to date girls right now, and there’s no point in waiting around to see if he ever comes out of the closet, on the slim chance that he secretly is gay. You need to get over him and find a boy who likes boys. And drop the fat ugly chick – that’s just wrong to use her like that.