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My boyfriend claims he's straight but I found emails to other men on his computer. He blames it on the fact that he's stressed out and it was a fantasy and the act itself of being with another man made him sick. Is he gay or bi?
Anonymous, Arizona

I'm sure he is stressed out - being in the closet can cause a lot of psychological strain. He seems to be what you'd call bi-curious, although he's gone further than most guys to satisfy his curiosity about sex with men. Despite what he says about being sickened by a gay encounter, he probably still fantasizes about other men, and it's likely that at some point he will try hooking up with a guy again - just to see if it still makes him sick. You know, just to check and be sure.

I'm 21 and every once in a while I'll jack off to a gay fantasy. I like girls however, and have fallen in love before and get big-time crushes on girls. Whenever I go out with my friends I'm always attracted to girls and never think about hooking up with guys. It's when I'm at home and get really horny that I think about having sex with guys. This kinda freaks me out because I know I would never want to really do that, and after I jack off I say to myself "What the hell am doing?" Just wondering if this is normal.
Anonymous, U.S.

It's not unusual for an otherwise straight guy to have the occasional homosexual fantasy while masturbating. They're just fantasies, and people often fantasize about things they would never do or actually even enjoy in real life. It does represent a desire that you have on some level, but it's not something you have to act on if you don't feel compelled to. If you find yourself fantasizing about it a lot - or if you find yourself thinking about it when you're not masturbating, you might reconsider.

I have always been into women, and I love the female body and sensitivity that women present. However, every time I get a serious girlfriend (which has been about 3 or 4 times), such as the one I have now, I dream of her getting fucked by another guy while she is giving me head. Or I dream of her sucking another guy's dick while I am doing her from behind. I make her tell me that she wishes she was getting fucked by one or two other guys while she is sucking my cock, and it turns me on like nothing else. I dream of her swallowing another guy's cum and slopping it onto my dick while she returns to finish me off. I like it, she likes it, and we both get extremely turned on by these fantasies that we act out in fantasyland, although it has never happened in reality. I could never kiss a guy - that disgusts me. But surprisingly, I could suck a guy's cock, and sometimes dream of it. I've even sucked on my girlfriend's dildo when she was unaware and I became extremely turned on. I have no desire to screw a guy in the ass, but I sometimes think of sitting on a hard cock. I've never acted out any of this, and I wonder if it should just remain in fantasyland. Am I bi?
Ted, California

Ted,
Wanting to watch another guy doing your girlfriend or having her suck his dick is not gay. Another guy's cum on your cock? That's kinda gay. Sucking and sitting on a cock? Definitely gay. Or in your case, bi. You definitely have the potential to be bi. Whether you leave it as a fantasy is up to you. And your girlfriend, if she's involved in the scenario.

I've known I was gay since the fifth grade, and now, at 18, I've sort of come to terms with it. I watch gay porn (straight porn sickens me/turns me off), I'm in love with my best friend, and I'm really close to coming out of the closet. There's something that's always bothered me though: I was once deeply in love with a girl. I never had any sexual fantasies about her, but nonetheless I wanted to be with her as more than just friends. And here's the thing, I'm quite capable of being in romantic relationships with women, as long as it doesn't require intercourse. For a long time this had me questioning whether or not I was bi, but it seems to me that a bisexual has to be equally turned on by both sexes, which is not my case. So what is the true definition of a bisexual? Could I be one, or should I just solidify my homosexuality without looking back?
Anthony, Puerto Rico

Anthony,
It is possible to have deep emotional and romantic connections with people of one sex without being turned on by them. The opposite can also be true - you can be sexually turned on by one sex but be unable to form emotional attachments with them. If you're not sexually interested in women, I wouldn't call you bisexual. Bisexual means you enjoy sex with men and women. Maybe you're homosexual and bi-emotional. Some people in this situation have multiple relationships with men and women at the same time, while others try to choose a compromise with one person that meets most of their needs.

I've been married for nearly 20 years and have always been attracted to women. I'm not exactly macho but I work out a lot and men look at me, especially at the nude beach (when I'm walking with my wife). I've always enjoyed this attention and even found it a bit arousing. Anyway, I was away on business last spring and had some down time, so I went to the sundeck. I could feel another man's eyes on me and I became excited, which was obvious in my very brief swimsuit. After a while I went into the sauna and was alone there with another man. My cock and balls are smooth and I could feel his eyes, so I gave him a real show, rubbing the sweat off my body, sitting nude so he had a really good view. Then he got up and left. I thought, "Show's over," but I'd become very horny so I began touching myself. Soon I had a big hard-on. Well, the guy came back and his eyes almost popped out of his head. We jacked off alongside one another and he eventually reached over and stroked and caressed me to one of the most intense orgasms I've ever had. I felt like I'd opened Pandora's box; I loved it. I've since been jacked off in a few steam rooms and at the beach. I suppose that's what I have in mind because I've started bringing Pjur along with me to the steam room. Do you think I'm gay?
James, New York

James,
I think you're probably bi, but now that you've discovered sex with men, it's like having a new toy that you can't stop playing with, literally. You may just be going through a phase and will find that your enthusiasm wanes when the novelty of steam room hand jobs wears off, and then you'll get into women again. On the other hand, you may start branching out and exploring more gay experiences, and it will become a regular part of your life whether or not you continue to date women.

I have had a girl perform oral on me and a guy, but I didn't like it when the guy did it. I am so attracted to females but still have a little attraction to males. All I dream of is what it would be like to be with a girl on a sexual level. I say that I am bi but I believe it's more than that. There are times when I wonder if I was meant to be a guy and I say that I want to be a guy. I am so confused about what sexuality I am. I have thought and thought about things. Still I want females, but I feel like I am a male in a female's body.
Amanda, West Virginia

Amanda,
You may be transgendered. This when someone's feeling of being male or female differs from the sex of their body. It is a separate issue from being gay or straight or bi, although it can affect how you and other people perceive your sexual orientation. A lot of people are confused about this because they assume that if someone is a homosexual that means they really want to be the other sex, which is rarely true. That would make all homosexuals transgendered, and they are not the same thing. Google "FTM" or "female to male" and "gender identity disorder" and see if that describes you. If so, talking to a therapist may help you sort things out.

I am a 21-year-old guy. I like women and I find them attractive. I do watch porn movies and I like it. I also go to the gay websites and I like it as well (especially with the older men and young boys), But the problem is that I just find the white guys attractive ( I am not being racist as I also belong to a non-white community). I enjoy when white guys are having sex, but not the other races. So, if I am gay then I am gonna have to like all the boys having sex, but I don't. Also, when I am watching the porn movies I like the part where guys take off their clothes better (but just white guys) than a female undressing. It's not that I don't like it but I am not just aroused by it. I have been to a strip club and I have had lap dance and all that but that dance didn't me arouse me too much. So, I am confused right now about my sexual orientation. I am attracted to both, but I do have plans to marry a girl and I thought of proposing to a couple of girls and having kids with the m. But when I think of white guys I get aroused (I find the guys from other communities unattractive). So, I am in doubt whether I am just having confusions in my mind that I am gay, or I am just attracted to the white guys? I really need help from you guys as this thought is just killing me inside.
Anonymous, Virginia

Well, you know, you don't have to be white to be a racist. But that's another subject. And people are entitled to be attracted to whomever they choose, but that, also, is another subject. So, can you be gay if you're only attracted to white guys? Let's flip things around and see if that clarifies things. Suppose you were only attracted to or turned on by white women. Would you be having doubts about your heterosexuality? OK then. You're gay (or bi, if you also like girls). You're just rationalizing because you don't want to admit it.

Jaime,
What you're describing isn't anal sex - it's a form of frottage, or sexual stimulation by rubbing, in this case against your butt cheeks. Some guys like to rub their dicks between a woman's breasts, thighs, or feet, or even in a woman's armpit. I don't know why your boyfriend gets off on this so much. Maybe he likes the feeling better than vaginal intercourse, or maybe your ass just really turns him on. However, it doesn't mean he's gay. Even if he liked to penetrate you anally, that would not make him gay. A lot of straight men (and even some straight women) enjoy anal sex.

Maybe, but sucking one cock during group sex isn't very conclusive. You've got to do more than that. If you enjoyed it and you're thinking, "Wow, I can't wait to suck me another cock," then probably you're gay or bi. If it was boring or weird, and you would never have done it if you weren't in that situation, then probably not. However, you may have a harder time getting people to believe you're straight now if you had witnesses.

Simmy,
Yeah, it sounds like you're gay. Who knows whether this has anything to do with your home life. You may be looking for a father figure, but it's likely that you would act that out in any relationships you had with men, whether they were sexual or not. Your football star friend is either gay or bisexual - I'm guessing bisexual. He also sounds like a jerk. If you're seeking out relationships with people who mistreat you, that more than anything is probably related to your dysfunctional childhood.

Luke
There are transsexuals who change their sex from male to female, then choose female partners and live as lesbians. So, it's certainly possible to be "a lesbian in a man's body". But those people want to be women 24-7, not just change sexes so they can "get a crack at" a lipstick lesbian. If you have a strong desire to be female that is not just sexual, then maybe what you're saying is true. But unless you really feel like you were born the wrong sex, I think you've been watching too much lesbian porn or you're just attracted to women who have a certain edge to them.

Bill,
Enjoying quality cable programming does not make you gay. Just because you like TV shows with prominent gay characters doesn't mean anything, unless you are particularly identified with or interested in those characters. Enjoying prison rape scenes...well, that could have some significance. It could mean that you have a leaning toward sadomasochism, and are turned on by the combination of violence, domination, and sexuality as much as the fact that it's all men. In your case I have the feeling that you are curious and possibly bisexual or gay, but you don't want to risk downloading gay porn onto your computer, so you settle for the closest thing you can find.

Up until recently I've been 100% sure I'm straight. I mean, I'm strongly attracted to guys and have been my whole life. I was even in a serious relationship where I loved this boy. I'm concerned because I have had a couple dreams about sexual contact with women, but brushed it off like it was no big deal. I also like to masturbate to porn, ones where the guy is there too. It seems lately a lot of my friends are telling me that they are bisexual and I've been starting to notice that I may be slightly attracted to a couple girls who have a more boyish appearance - nothing along the lines of cross dressing or transsexual. I don't know how I feel about them, though, and if I would actually go through with anything when it came down to it. I'm just really confused and 17. I thought people always had an idea what they were since they were young kids. I'm wondering if maybe this curiosity is normal, because I know for a fact I like males, but this is completely throwing me off.
Stacy, North Carolina

Curiosity and uncertainty about your sexuality is totally normal for teenagers and young adults. People do not necessarily know their sexual orientation at a young age. For some it takes a while to figure it out, and people often experiment with their sexuality through college and sometimes later. Sometimes people go through phases before they settle into a sexual preference; when you get to college, you'll probably meet some LUGs - Lesbians Until Graduation. As you meet more people and have more experiences, you'll form a better idea of who you are and what (and who) you like. Just stay open to whatever feelings you have and you'll figure it out. In some places or social groups, bisexuality is considered cool, so people will jump on the bandwagon and say they are bi just because they once considered kissing someone of the same sex. Don't feel like you have to force it just because everyone else is doing it.

I've been dating my fiancé for 18 months. We are going to be married in March. I introduced him to Internet porn when we first met. I'm cool with him watching it. He does so when I give him head. Anyway, I noticed that he was downloading a lot of shots which had the man coming a lot. Then I noticed he liked to watch these ones when I gave him head. Usually these guys have big dicks, and often are black. A couple months ago, I was snooping through his downloads and noticed deleted clips. I re-downloaded them, and they were of gay porn. I was upset and eventually confronted him with it. He said it was just curiosity - like me watching girls and guys, thinking the girls had nice tits, etc. He also said he'd stop since it bothered me. Couple weeks ago, I was snooping again, to check. I have found many deleted gay porn files from when I'm at work. I don't know what to make of it? Is my man gay? He loves to work out - lifts a lot of weights, loves his big dick, and says so. He is f ully into me, though. I know he loves me and fancies me, I have no doubts. We have sex more than 5 times a week. Is it just curiosity or may he be gay or bi? He has also looked up "bi-curious". Thanks for any answers.
Anonymous, Australia

If he looked up "bi-curious" then clearly all that gay porn is raising some questions in his mind as well. Some men enjoy watching other guys get off not because they desire men sexually, but because they identify with the pleasure and orgasm of the guy on the screen. It's a vicarious thrill. That's what porn is all about. But if he's watching a lot of gay porn, he probably has other reasons. He may be bi, and he's probably more than curious at this point.

I have been involved with this guy for almost three years now. Recently a few signs have me thinking that he might be gay, but I'm not sure. First of all he went to a bar with a guy who is openly gay and has a crush on him, and he lied to me and said that his cousin was also with them, but I found out that it was him, the gay guy, and another gay guy, not his cousin. He wears female deodorant, he plucks his eyebrows, gets manicures. And there is this one guy who he always seems to be hanging out with at night, eating out at restaurants together, etc. He says it's his friend. The last time we had sex, I didn't enjoy it because it seemed that he was so not into it. At one point he had to stop because his erection would not stay up. He said that he was turned off by the porn that was playing on the TV. I have confronted him about it, whether he is gay or bi, but he gets a little defensive, and says he loves pussy too much. He seems to have no problem when someone says he is gay, he says it's because he is not insecure, and he doesn't care what people think. What do you think? Please help!!!
Anonymous, U.S.

I think he's gay, and he's having an affair with his "friend" right under your nose. If he claims to "love pussy", he's talking about your cat.

I found some TV/TS porn on my fiancŽ's computer. I've also found where he was chatting and flirting with a TV/TS on instant messenger. I asked him about it (I was amazingly calm and nonjudgmental). He said that he likes to watch TV/TS porn sometimes when they're with girls and that was it. He promised that he would quit chatting it up with them and deleted the profile he made. The other night I found another conversation where he was flirting and viewing a webcam. I am becoming increasingly concerned about this and don't feel that he's being 100% honest with me. Do you think that he is sexually confused or is this a fetish or what? What is the best way to speak with him about this? I don't want to make him feel bad. If this is what he's into, it's what he's into. I just need to know so I can bail.
Anonymous, U.S.

He's into transsexuals. This would probably not be compatible with your married life. He's also not being honest with you, which isn't a good sign. Tell him you have concerns about your future together and you question whether he will be fulfilled in your relationship if he has other "needs". You might also mention that his lack of openness makes it hard for you to trust him.

My boyfriend had sex with men from age 20 till 4 years ago at the age of 34. He also married twice and had a child. He thinks he liked having sex with men because he was molested as a kid and was confused. He claims that he's straight now, yet all of my siblings have asked me if he's gay. We are about to have a baby and I'm very suspicious that he's just forcing himself in the closet. I saw a couple of text messages that he sent someone requesting a picture of their penis and he of course had an explanation, which sounded like bullshit. Am I insane to try to believe him?
Sara, Portland

Sara,
I can't imagine what he told you that was a believable excuse for requesting a photo of another man's penis. He wanted to compare sizes? Or it was some kind of joke? You're right to be suspicious. There probably is something going on.

I have a friend who thinks that her husband is gay. We need help. They have not has sex in 6 months and he is always talking to us on the phone about girl stuff. He also has called a male friend and said "Hi boy," in a woman's voice. We are very confused and need your help. He also claims that no females are cute and always talks about "hot" actors. They also were at a restaurant and a gay man hit on her hubby and when she asked him why he hit on him, the gay man said that her husband was gay. Also he was not offended by being hit on by a gay man.
Monica, Washington

Monica,
Are you waiting to see him on a float in the Gay Pride Parade? Yes, he's gay.

I've been dating a guy for 3 months. We've only had sex about 10 times (he travels a lot for work and pleasure), but I'm wondering if he's a closet gay. We met on a personals site for heterosexuals. There is no foreplay. Most of those times we've had sex without my bra coming off and absolutely no kissing. We'll be lying in bed (he's facing away from me), and he will roll over after a few minutes, hurriedly takes everything off below our waists, he does his thing and then goes to sleep, sometimes without touching me (other than in the obvious way). He also drinks every time we are together. And likes anal sex. He's had problems getting and keeping it up a couple times, and once came prematurely. I've brought things up a couple times but I don't think I'll get straight answers from a closet gay. While I'm not a supermodel, I am a very attractive woman. He was not turned on at all sitting with me naked in a jacuzzi. There are other things outside of our sex li fe now that make me think he is gay, some stereotypical. He's always at the gym, takes a spinning class he says has mostly men in it (when I teased him about it being a class for women) and has commented on the male instructors muscles. He has never complimented me. He grabbed a pinch of my stomach one night and said, "What's this?" I'm only 125 pounds. That's something one might say to someone after being married to them for 10 years. He is obsessed about his appearance and staying in shape. I haven't met any of his friends or family. A male friend of his bought him an expensive shirt and DVD recorder for Christmas (he said he didn't know why but he had been a client at one time) and he has been on two ski trips which included this person. (Once just the two of them, which he says was planned when they both had girlfriends.) I thought he would have asked me on a trip by now but he hasn't. These things don't necessarily mean someone is gay. But I think what goes on in the bedroom (or doesn't) would be a clearer indicator. What do you think? Is he gay?
Laura, Ohio

Laura,
Is he gay? It's quite possible. Is he a narcissistic jerk who's lousy in bed? Definitely. Even if he is straight, he's inconsiderate and clearly doesn't like women. I'm sure you can do better.

I recently came across my partner cross-dressing in my sexy lingerie. I had for some time thought that he was acting weird towards me, as he would hardly want sex, and when he finally did I had to initiate it. I now have a child with him, and even though I love him I have this strong feeling that he may be gay! During our relationship he was very distant to me and would act more like a friend than a lover. It was only recently that I found three bags of women's clothing, which included false boobs, stick-on nails, etc. Does this mean he is into men? He portrays himself as a real man, but after finding him dressed up, I feel he has been hiding a lot about how he really feels. At this point in time I just don't trust him! Do you think he is gay and what is your advice about keeping a relationship going with him?
Sam, New Zealand

Sam,
It's hard to tell what's going on with this guy without knowing more about what motivates him to cross-dress. He could be straight, he could be gay or bi, or he could be transgendered. Some straight men just get turned on by wearing women's clothes, but it doesn't mean they're gay or want to be a woman. And there are some men who enjoy dressing up and having sex with men. Since he's got all the props - the falsies, the nails, etc. - I suspect there is something else going on. He may be transgendered and feel that he is really female, or that a part of him is female, and he dresses up in women's clothing not just for a sexual thrill but to express that feminine part of himself. This doesn't necessarily mean he wants a sex change - you'd have to ask him about that - but maybe he just needs to dress up and stand in front of the mirror every once in a while. Tell him you found his wardrobe and ask him what's going on. If he's not having sex with men, ask yourself if you can live with his need to wear women's clothing. A lot of cross-dressers are married men, so plenty of women find themselves in the same situation. You may be able to find a support group on the web.

I am dating an older man. Recently (about one year ago) he cheated on me with a younger man and I caught him (I answered his phone one day). Ultimately he admitted his bisexuality. I cannot knock him for that because I am bi too. I have a problem with the issue of monogamy. See, although I am bi I can still be faithful to him. Now is not the time for me to be with a woman. Anyway, I accept him for all that he is. I have introduced twink porn into our relationship and I love the reaction. Now it seems as though the porn has become necessary. He is opening up more and more. We even discuss threesomes or open marriage. I can cope with all these things introduced at a slow pace. However I recently came across some photos of him - or his penis, I should say - in our PC recycling bin! I did some investigating on our PC and found that he had an ad in a local "meet gay men" type website. In that ad he lied about his age, his weight, and so much more. I do not know if he succeeded in meeting or fucking another guy but I am sure confused. I thought I knew what he wanted but I guess I was wrong. I can only go by what he tells me but his actions do not reflect his words. Is he bi or gay? If he was gay would he even be able to have sex with me at all? This is stressful.
Crystal, New Jersey

Crystal,
It seems he is bisexual, but has a very strong interest in men, particularly younger men. As you pointed out, that in itself might not be a problem for you, maybe if it could be a shared interest. It's his dishonesty and inability to be faithful that is the real issue - you just can't trust the guy. Whatever he tells you, he's not likely to change. He's already proven that by continuing to at least attempt to cheat on you. I don't think threesomes are going to satisfy him - he's going to be needing some dick on the side. He may enjoy your relationship, but he wants to have his cake and eat his twinkies too. If you can't live with that, you should part ways.

If you only get turned on by the idea of getting frisky with another girl while your boyfriend is watching, I think you have exhibitionist tendencies -- probably more strongly than you have bi tendencies. Sure, you may be bi-curious, but in the scenario you describe, the sexual energy is really between you and your boyfriend, more than between you and the other chick. You'd just kind of be using her as a prop to turn on your boyfriend and yourself, sort of like you were putting on a show for him with a sex toy. Except you're using another live person instead of a dildo or vibrator. If you decide to act out this scene, just be sure that the other woman knows what she's there for and is cool with it.

William,
Since you haven't actually experienced sex with men or women, it's hard to say what your orientation is, but it sounds like you're predominantly hetero. If you feel mostly turned on by women, having occasional gay fantasies and some attraction to men probably just means you have a little normal curiosity about bisexuality, and perhaps some bisexual tendencies. It sounds like your interest in men is something you could take or leave, so it's up to you whether you want to act on it. Otherwise, you can just keep fantasizing while whacking off and check out guys on the sly. If you do end up experimenting with another male, remember that it's not some lifetime commitment to a lifestyle. Since you have yet to discover your sexuality, just consider it an experiment.

Luke,
You've got a lot going on here. Part of the reason it's hard for you to sort it all out (hell, it's hard for me to sort it all out) is that you're hiding and repressing what you feel and who you are sexually, and you're conflicted about it. So let's break this down. You're attracted to men, and women, and pre-op (dong still intact) male-to-female transsexuals. You're very attracted to men, but you're kind of fighting it. You like to act effeminate in secret, and by this I'm assuming you mean dressing up in women's clothes and acting like a female, rather than just acting like a big flaming swishy gay guy.

If I was pressed to categorize your sexual orientation, I'd say you were a pansexual (someone who likes men, women, and some things in between) and that you have some CD/TS (cross dresser/transvestite) tendencies. While that's unusual, believe me, you are not the only one. Online personal ads (Craigslist, anyone?) are full of blurry photos of guys in panties and wigs looking for men/women/whatever. Some people just don't fit neatly into the gay/straight/bi boxes, so don't worry about it too much. You can find someone who will understand and accept you for who you are, but only if you take some risks and let yourself be who you are.

Tim,
As we like to emphasize here at "Am I Gay", sticking things up your butt does not make you gay or bisexual. However, in your case, all the other indicators point to you at least being bi, and perhaps gay. You have a crush on a guy? You like gay porn? Fantasize about men when you jerk off? With all that going for you, normally I would just say that you're gay, gay, gay, but since you profess some interest in women, you could be bi. Try having sex with a woman. If it grosses you out or you find yourself thinking about a guy the whole time -- you're gay.

Carl,
Kinda engaged? Dude, do yourself and your fiancée a favor and break it off if you feel like you can't get yourself sorted out by the wedding date. You're just going to hurt her feelings and piss off her family if you drag it out any longer. It's better to call off the wedding than go into still being unsure of your sexuality. And are you even in love with or attracted to your fiancée? It could be that you are bisexual, but if you can't tell if you're bi or gay and you haven't had a chance to experiment, those questions and the urge to answer them are going to linger after you tie the knot, and could end up wrecking your marriage down the line.

The bottom line is that you don't know what you want, and if you don't know what you want -- for any reason -- you probably shouldn't get married. If you do decide to try a taste of the bald guy, and still want to go through with the wedding, for god's sake, play safe and use condoms. You don't want to give your new bride an unwanted wedding present.

George,
Technically, you're probably still bi and always will be, but it sounds like currently you're caught up in exploring the newly discovered wonderful of gay sex. Go ahead and partake of all that gay sex goodness and see what it does for you. You may find it so fulfilling that you never go back to having sex or relationships with women, or maybe not. Most people who are bi find that relations with men may satisfy certain emotional or sexual needs, while relations with women satisfy other emotional or sexual needs. So yeah, I think you may just be going through a phase, and I would hold off on labeling yourself gay. Go ahead and experiment, but the excitement may wear off with time.

Josh,
You're not gay. It's totally normal to check out other guys for the purpose of comparing yourself to them or evaluating their status, especially with regard to their success with the opposite sex. Objectively acknowledging another guy's "hotness" and stylishness is not the same as finding him attractive or wanting to bone him. You're just viewing him as a successful male that you admire and would like to emulate. In the TV shows that you watch and the ads that you see, the standards of physical perfection, good looks, and stylishness for men and women are emphasized the same way, so it's not surprising that you would judge men and women alike on their looks. Also, these days, the type of man that appeals to straight women looks increasingly similar to the type of man that appeals to gay men. That's why Abercrombie and Fitch is so popular. It's no wonder you're a little confused.

No, I don't think you're a lesbian. There's a reason the penis has a plethora of unflattering nicknames, including "ugly stick." Some straight women don't like to look at dicks and think they are kind of gross or ugly or weird, but they still like to fuck guys. They just don't want to look at their penises. Some straight men think pussies are kind of gross or scary unless they're fucking them (and maybe sometimes even then). Or they only like to look at the shaved and sanitized vaginas in pornos, but find the real-life versions icky and avert their eyes. A lot of people have a love/hate or love/eww relationship with the genitalia of the opposite sex. Other people are all over it, or all up in it, as the case may be. If you're still attracted to guys and like having sex with them, despite their one-eyed custard chuckers, you're still bi.

Okay, I'm dating this guy who has told me he is into getting fucked by a girl with a strap-on. He has had one gay experience, but said it was enough and he had no desire to do it again. It sounds like he is more experimenting with sex rather than committed to one kind. He has always had safe sex -- with me too -- but I wondered, is he bisexual, or on the way to being gay? Is this okay? I find the idea sexy and he's really nice, but I wanted to check it with someone. I also want to know how risky oral sex is -- me on him -- until we get tested.
Lee Ann, Marin

Lee Ann,
Guys who like to get fucked by girls with strap-ons are not necessarily gay or even bisexual. A little kinky, maybe. So if he said his one time experience with man-sex was enough, maybe he’s telling the truth. It sounds like you’re a little concerned because he seems to be in a sexual experimentation phase and maybe you want him to be a little more committed. I’m just guessing. But if he wants a woman to strap one on and fuck his ass, and you find it a turn on, then you two could be a great match and might have a very mutually satisfying sex life together. As far as the riskiness of oral sex – I’m assuming you’re talking about HIV – the risk is less than oral or anal sex, but there is still a small risk of transmission. To be totally safe, have him wear a condom when you blow him. There’s also a risk of catching other things from oral, like oral gonorrhea or herpes.

I've been married for years, have children, and a pretty good sex life with my husband. But when I masturbate, I fantasize about women and am drawn to girl-on-girl porn or females masturbating. Mostly it’s women I've seen on my husband's porn sites (yes, I check up on him! :) -- lesbians eating each other out and things like that. While I enjoy sex with my husband, I have to worry I might be bi. I doubt I'll ever act on it, but what do you think?
Anna, Colorado

Anna,
Yes, you probably are bi. But if you’re satisfied with your marriage and are happy masturbating to lesbian fantasies and online porn, what’s the problem? If you get the point where you feel like you actually want to explore your bi side in real life, you might take advantage of your husband’s shared interest in girl-on-girl action. If you’re comfortable with it, and can find another woman who would be into it, put on your own show for him. Provided everyone is cool with the arrangement, it could be a win-win-win situation.

I dated a girl for four years and we finally got to the point where we would finger each other’s asses. I love it when she fingers my ass, either when we are having sex or she is giving me a blow job or a hand job. It makes orgasms five times better. Am I gay? Honestly, I think if any guy got the courage to ask a girl to finger their ass they would like it just as much.
Jay, Tennessee

Jay,
Congratulations for being man enough to let your girlfriend stick her finger up your butt (and good for your girlfriend for being adventurous enough to try it). Seriously, you’re right – if more guys tried it, they would find that it intensifies orgasm, especially if your partner puts pressure on your prostate gland, a couple of inches inside your asshole. That can lead to explosive orgasms. For those who are really butt-shy, even pressing on the perineum (the spot between your balls and ass) can stimulate the prostate. So are you gay? No, absolutely not. You’re a straight guy who enjoys better-than-average orgasms thanks to your girlfriend’s strategic fingering.

For a while, when I was living temporarily in a different city, I became involved with a woman who liked to fuck me in the ass with a strap-on. I liked it a lot, and when we stopped seeing each other, I missed the sensation. Using internet adult dating services, I only ever found one other woman to do it to me. Eventually I turned to men for anal action. Some of them were gay, some bi, some straight. There was never any hugging, kissing, foreplay, or oral. I only received, never gave. None of the guys ever complained about the lack of bedroom activity, and why would they when they had a tight ass to fuck? It never really bothered me. I just got off from the sensation. So am I bi, gay, or what?
Harry, U.S.

Harry,
I don’t think you’re gay. It sounds like you were just getting anal sex from guys because you wanted anal and that was the most convenient way to get it. It’s like you were just using them as human dildos (although some women do that too). Although theoretically you could’ve just gotten yourself a dildo instead of getting it on with other guys. So maybe to some extent, you’re bi. If you really prefer women, keep looking around; there are more women out there than you might think who are into doing a guy with a strap-on.

I’ve found that anal play is something I enjoy, and I also would like to suck a dick, but I have no attraction to any guys I’ve ever met/seen/encountered or anything. I just want to do things with a dick. Am I gay?
Anonymous, Santa Fe

Yes, you probably are gay. I mean, come on. Dicks are dicks. They’re attached to guys –- er, unless they’re attached to chicks with dicks. Have you considered the possibility you might be interested in she-males (male-to-female transsexuals with functional penises)? It’s something to think about. Otherwise, if you want some dick, you have to come to terms with the fact that it’s going to be attached to a human being one way or another. However, there are particular arrangements in some places that cater to those who just want the dick, with minimal human contact: some sex clubs and adult video arcades feature glory holes. These are crotch-level holes in a wall or partition that guys stick their dicks through to get them played with and sucked. There’s no face-to-face contact or physical contact except with the dick. That’s as close as you’re going to come to a disembodied cock. These places are also usually disgusting and creepy, although some people are into that. They’re unsafe and unsanitary, and anonymous encounters are risky. Unsafe sex is prevalent, diseases are easily spread, and in the case of public glory holes, like those in restrooms and rest stops, you could either get arrested or become a victim of a violent crime. I think your best bet is to hook up with another guy who also “just wants the dick,” and then you can proceed to completely ignore each other while you concentrate on working over one another’s joints.

Steve,
It sounds like you have at least some homoerotic tendencies. That may or may not indicate that you’re gay. Clearly you enjoy the male energy and camaraderie of the locker-room environment. It may be that you feel arousal only in a large group of guys because it’s safer. With that many people around, there’s no chance of anything more than towel snapping or maybe some sportsmanlike ass-slapping. Locker room scenes only devolve into group orgies in gay porn films, not in real life. Try to identify what it is that about the situation that is turning you on. Maybe it’s not the other guys’ bodies, but just the feeling of being in a group of men, or observing them interact that’s exciting to you. If you just have a vague attraction to “maleness,” it may never develop into anything more. On the other hand, if you do like looking at their bodies, you could be gay or bi. It’s hard to say why you don’t like getting physical attention from girls. Maybe you just prefer to be submissive, or you feel uncomfortable about your body. Just as an experiment, try fantasizing about making out with a guy or having a guy touch and suck your cock, and see if it does anything for you. Or try looking at some gay porn and see if you have any reaction. That might help clear things up one way or another.

I definitely like guys. I pretend to be lesbian with a few of my straight friends, but feel no sexual attraction to them at all. And I think vaginas are disgusting (I don't even like my own). But I get turned on when I hear girls moan (like on TV, or in the media, or just randomly). Does that mean I'm bi?
Anonymous, U.S. 

No, I don’t think you’re bi or lesbian. I think that hearing another woman moan turns you on because it’s an expression of sexual pleasure. I think it arouses you because you identify with it and it triggers memories and thoughts of your own sexual feelings and experiences. All this is happening at a subconscious level, so it may not be clear to you why you are feeling turned on. People respond differently to different types of sensory stimuli; some people are more sensitive to visual stimulation, or smells, or touch, or tastes. Maybe you are more sensitive than most to auditory stimulus. If you just get turned on by the moaning in a generalized way (meaning it just makes you feel horny but doesn’t make you start fantasizing about doing another woman), then I don’t think it indicates that you’re bi. But just to double check, next time you’re playing lesbian with one of your friends, have her moan and see if it just makes you wet, or makes you want to jump her.

I'm a married man with two children, and I play online computer games. I started chatting with a male gamer inside the game. Then we started chatting outside the game on instant messenger, and last night we had homosexual cybersex, during which I masturbated with pleasurable results. He then asked to meet me in person, and I am considering this, but I still want to be with my family. Does this make me gay?
Danny, California 

Danny,
You’re walking a pretty fine line here. I’d say you’re well on your way to Gaysville or Bi-Town. Since you’re an online gamer, I think it’s fair to say that you have an active and vivid imagination, and I bet your cyber session with your game buddy was pretty detailed and graphic. Still, there’s a difference between getting off to online dirty talk and actually getting it on in the flesh. If you meet him in person, you might find it very exciting just because the encounter is illicit and a lot of tension has been built up through your chat sessions. Or you may find that in person, while you were turned on by the idea of gay sex, you don’t really find another guy’s body appealing. Hooking up with somebody through extended email or chat often intensifies and distorts feelings, and makes you take things way too seriously, so I wouldn’t say this cybersex incident makes you conclusively gay or bi. And it definitely doesn’t mean you need to divorce your wife and leave your family so you can cruise back alleys and bars and live the gay life with abandon. I mean, come on – this is just some random guy you met online. If you love your family, then be careful about where this situation is taking you – just as you would if you were getting involved in something extramarital with a woman. In the meantime, you should consider that there is a definite possibility you may be gay or bi. If so, then you need to figure out if expressing those desires is compatible with your family life.

I am a woman, and have had previous experience of being "felt up" by a female friend. I love being touched by other women and am definitely excited by it, but am totally not attracted to women. I can't look at one and have any sexual feelings. I feel that I am more straight, but just very comfortable with women. I am way more attracted to men. Am I lesbian, bi, or straight?
Deelee, U.S.

Deelee,
I think you’re bisexual. If you like being felt up and touched by other women and it turns you on, then that indicates you have some sexual attraction to them, even if you don’t feel it when you’re just looking at another woman’s body. A fair percentage of straight women don’t get turned on by looking at men’s bodies, but they still like having sex with them. If you like getting “done” or felt up by a woman, but you don’t want to reciprocate, I still think that makes you bi at some level, because you’re responding sexually to another woman. I’d say that you are primarily oriented toward men, and you are attracted to them more strongly and in more ways than you are attracted to women, but you are still physically attracted to women in at least some ways.

I often fantasize about men and sometimes think about men when I masturbate. I also really enjoy sex with women, but I can’t help but desire men. Oddly enough, though, the thought of having anything in my ass freaks me out. My girlfriend tried it once before and it freaked me out. Does this make me bi?
Derrick, Atlanta

Derrick,
You are probably bisexual, since you like sex with women but you find yourself fantasizing about guys a lot. Just because you don’t like having stuff stuck up your ass, that doesn’t disqualify you from being bi. Everybody seems to equate anal sex and ass play with being gay, but it’s not necessarily so. There are lots of straight guys who enjoy pleasuring themselves anally or having their girlfriend stick stuff in their butts. On the other hand, there are some gay men who don’t enjoy anal sex at all, either getting it or giving it. So it’s entirely possible to be a gay or bi man and subsist only on blowjobs and/or hand jobs. Taking it up the ass is not a requirement.

I am 28 years old and obsessed with transsexuals. I have only had sex with transsexuals (even lost my virginity to one). I constantly seek out sexual contact with transsexuals. The five serious relationships I’ve had have been with transsexuals (and even during two of these relationships, I cheated on them with other transsexuals). The only porn I watch is TS/TV and I have an enormous collection. I find females attractive, but have never been with a "real" woman, nor does it interest me. I know I’m not straight-up gay because I’m not attracted to regular men. My question is, does the lack of interest in pussy make me bisexual?
Scott, North Carolina

Scott,
At least you’re clear about what you like: transsexuals! It’s kind of unusual for someone to have had sex exclusively with transsexuals, but hey, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. You seem to be pretty satisfied with your preference for T-girls. I agree with your assessment that you’re not gay; gay men are attracted to other men who look and act like men (even if they’re effeminate and act like gay men, they’re still men). But I don’t understand how a lack of interest in pussy would make you bisexual. Do you mean, are you bi (as opposed to straight) because you only like chicks with dicks, not chicks with vaginas? I don’t think that being attracted to transsexual women would make you bi, unless you were also attracted to “regular” men and women as well. And even that orientation would more accurately be described as “pan-sexual” (all-inclusive), rather than bisexual. There needs to be another term for people who are only interested in transsexuals. Actually, there are a couple of terms that were invented to describe people with your preference: “gynandromorphile” or “transsensual.” I think someone needs to think up a better one, so if you have any good ideas, let me know.

For a while, when I was living temporarily in a different city, I became involved with a woman who liked to fuck me in the ass with a strap-on. I liked it a lot, and when we stopped seeing each other, I missed the sensation. Using internet adult dating services, I only ever found one other woman to do it to me. Eventually I turned to men for anal action. Some of them were gay, some bi, some straight. There was never any hugging, kissing, foreplay, or oral. I only received, never gave. None of the guys ever complained about the lack of bedroom activity, and why would they when they had a tight ass to fuck? It never really bothered me. I just got off from the sensation. So am I bi, gay, or what?
Harry, U.S.

Harry,
I don’t think you’re gay. It sounds like you were just getting anal sex from guys because you wanted anal and that was the most convenient way to get it. It’s like you were just using them as human dildos (although some women do that too). Although theoretically you could’ve just gotten yourself a dildo instead of getting it on with other guys. So maybe to some extent, you’re bi. If you really prefer women, keep looking around; there are more women out there than you might think who are into doing a guy with a strap-on.

I like to have anal sex with women, A LOT. My GF says if I want to do it so much I should go be gay, but I only want to have anal sex with women. Am I gay?
Scott, Southern California

Scott,
No, you’re not gay. Just because you like anal sex, that doesn’t mean you’re gay. If you like anal sex with women, that means that you’re a straight guy who likes anal sex. Some straight guys just prefer anal to pussy because it feels better or it’s more of a turn-on. Your girlfriend seems to be making the common mistake of equating an interest in anal sex with male homosexuality. Or maybe she is just trying to get you off her ass, so to speak. Some women really enjoy anal sex, but some find it uncomfortable, especially if it’s too frequent or rough. So the gay comment may be her way of complaining. If that’s the case, either find a way to make it more enjoyable for her, or find yourself a real backdoor gal.

A buddy and I got really drunk the other night and I passed out. Next thing I knew, I woke up and my buddy had his dick in my mouth. I freaked out for a minute and then just went ahead and sucked him. He came into my mouth and then left the room. I went back to sleep. We haven't discussed it since then. We both act as if it never happened. Are we both gay for doing this?
Kevin, Kentucky

Kevin,
You're probably not gay, you were just drunk. People do a lot of things when they're drunk that they wouldn't normally do and regret later, like mooning cops, getting ugly-ass tattoos, and singing "Living on a Prayer" in front of a bar full of strangers. Do you think you would have sucked his dick if you were sober? Would he have put his dick in your mouth if he was sober? No? Then you're not gay. On the other hand, he wasn't too drunk to get an erection, and you weren't too drunk to suck him without puking, so...nah, nevermind. Neither one of you is bringing it up, so you both just want to forget about it and get on with your heterosexual lives. If you're worried about it, though, you might want to think twice about drinking with this guy again.

I am a recovering alcoholic/addict. Let me very clear on this: I am clean and sober, and haven't used drugs in over 2 years. I have always been very straight, and had lots of girls in my younger years. But every time I would get high (my drug of choice was rock cocaine...yes, I was a crackhead), my only thoughts would be to stick something up my ass and masturbate. I definitely enjoyed straight porn during those times. I cannot tolerate gay porn; it makes me sick. But I developed an intense desire to have a man penetrate me. I experimented several times with gay men, but never had a satisfactory experience. Usually the men couldn't stay hard enough to do the job (no, they weren't addicts, too). I guess being with a crackhead can be a little disturbing. I cannot imagine having a guy do me while I am clear-headed, but I still fantasize about that rush, and having a man fuck me. How sick am I?
Anonymous, U.S.

How sick are you? Hey, you're a recovering crackhead -- what do you want? If you're managing to stay off the rock, I'd say you're doing OK, regardless of your sexual fantasies. Things could be worse. Since your homosexual desires are so strongly tied to your drug use, it seems like you just developed a strong mental association between gay butt sex and the thrill of a crack high. Maybe somewhere in your subconscious, you're bisexual, but it took the drugs to lower your inhibitions about anal penetration and gay sex. Then your crack-addled brain merged the two, and now the cravings go together, like coffee and cigarettes. But really, I don't think it's so much the butt sex you want, since you said you never had a satisfactory experience. Your addiction is really to the fantasy of gay sex. And so as long as you continue to have a crack fixation, you'll probably think about gay sex. Yeah, it's unusual, but it's not like you were getting high and robbing convenience stores. Like I said, things could be worse. At least you're off the dope. One day at a time.

I have always been promiscuous with men. I am 29 and have also experimented with women, although I've only had full-blown sex with a woman once, when I was under the influence of drugs and alcohol. The next day, I was disgusted, although I think that may have had to do with the fact that we let a man watch us. I still have fantasies about women, although they are made up and no one I know. Am I bisexual or gay or what?
Mandy, L.A.

Mandy,
If you actually enjoy having sex with men, then you're probably not gay. On the other hand, if you keep thinking about doing it with women, even when you're not fucked up on drugs and alcohol, then you're probably bi. Given the extenuating circumstances, it's hard to judge based on your one real lesbian encounter, since you were wasted and some creep was watching you. Maybe you should try it again when you're a little more sober and you have some privacy.

I am an adult woman who -- except for one lesbian experience -- loves having sex with a guy. However, what really gets me off is imagining two guys together. I read gay male erotic fiction, and I even considered having a threesome with two gay guys. Does this make me a weirdo? I'm too embarrassed to tell my boyfriend. Somehow two lesbians or bi women eating each other out is okay for both of us to imagine, but the idea of two gay men together is somehow wrong. Help!
Anonymous, California

Be assured that your fascination with gay male sex is completely normal. Many, many straight women get turned on by two guys together. Even lesbians -- women who would never sleep with a guy in a million years -- get off on gay male porn. Why should women be so into man-on-man sex? Maybe for the same reason most straight guys enjoy girl-on-girl action (although that doesn't really explain why lesbians would like watching gay men too). Maybe it's because no women are being exploited in gay porn. Maybe it's because men can't fake their hard-ons and money shots. Maybe because it's just so different. At any rate, you shouldn't feel weird. A lot of women share your love of gay boy smut. Of course, your boyfriend may not, which is probably why you feel it's wrong. Most straight men are very comfortable with female homosexuality, but are easily squicked by male homosexuality. If that's the case, just keep your gay porn to yourself and use it as private fantasy material.

I love men, but sometimes I fantasize about women, and sometimes I masturbate to woman-on-woman porn. However, I have no interest in having sex with a woman. Does this mean I'm bi?
Jenn, U.S.

Jenn,
OK, let's get this straight (no pun intended): you fantasize about lesbian sex, you like to watch lesbian porn and masturbate to it, but you don't want to have sex with a woman? Hmm. Are you being completely honest with yourself? On some level you probably do want to have sex with a woman, but something is stopping you. You feel inhibited about it for some psychological reason, or you're worried about the stigma of being labeled lesbian or bi. Of course, it doesn't really matter whether or not you actually sleep with or fool around with another woman; if you're satisfied with your fantasies and lesbian porn, and you're happy sleeping with guys, then whether or not you're bi is a non-issue. But you definitely have bisexual leanings. It's up to you whether or not you act on them if the opportunity arises.

I usually go for chicks and I love the pussy. Sometimes I find myself getting bored/fed up with girls. I have never fucked a dude before. I'm too scared to even get a blowjob off a guy. I have a male friend who I seem to have some kind of an attraction to but I'm not sure. I think he's just a good mate. Sometimes I kiss guys too, but I'm not sure if guys turn me on or not. Some girls can really turn me on. Am I bi or something?
David, Australia

David,
Yes, you're bi. You kiss other guys, you're attracted to your friend, and you'd like to get a blowjob but you're scared to. You're bi, or sorta bi. Incidentally, some guys who are "mostly straight" occasionally swing the other way when they get fed up with the high maintenance and emotional entanglements that go along with dating girls. Having sex with other guys is just simpler and easier, and everyone leaves satisfied.